No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
