I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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