areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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