i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize