Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
