I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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