Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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