i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
