You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
