I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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