She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You are a genius and a whore.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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