You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
