God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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