He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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