Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
