I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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