I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
