In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
