Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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