when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
