Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
