Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
