TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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